This was a literature I wrote when I was in my teenage years. It was about my crazy fight against myself. Not until I was 21 when I realize that the answer was to accept the shadow of oneself. To accept the tiger in Life of Pi- if one so chooses. I took a philosophy class that taught me The Hero, The Shadow, The Sage, and The Twin. These are all characteristics one has and it is a choice of the The Hero to accept his Shadow which is a grave importance to understand Life and Happiness.
-------------My letter to myself-----
A Splitting Thunder in my Skull
There is a pain with in my mind that daunts me every step I take in the world. It is like a crack in my skull. It feels as if lighting struck me and it still has not faded away. It is still very much imprinted in my head, pulsing every now and then.
How interesting how the world works. I think the universe is trying to tell me that it is time for the divide between my hero and my shadow to be fixed. I feel like out of no where a cry for resolution has come from within the universe and has asked me to resolve my daunting problem. I feel as if the universe wants me to answer the question inside me so that the universe can proceed to work accordingly base on my answer. I feel that this class and this paper has spoken to me and tempts me to write about this split with me.
My friend. When I was about 10 yrs old, a little 5th grader starting to open his eyes to the world,I had a good friend named Avila. He was a very good person. He didn't make any disturbances in class, he was quiet, soft spoken and friendly.( I on the other hand was a confused fucktard. ) It's been a long time and much of my early memories have faded but I still remember what I did to Avila.
After a while of being friends with Avila, Avila and I, became good friends. As a matter of fact at one point we became best friends. We would call each other up and ask about the homeworks. Soon we gave each other nicknames. We called each other " friend. " If I were to talk to him I would refer to him as "friend" instead of Avila. I got this idea of calling each other "friend" from my maids in my house. ( it is common for a middle class filipino to have maids/ or helpers; they are called "ya ya's" in my language) I had two maids in the house at the time and they would call each other " love." I asked them what they were calling themselves with and they said "love." They further explained that it was because they were very close friends that they were able to refer each other with such a word. I thought at the time it was cool that they were able to give each other exclusive nicknames that only the two of them can share and in the same token I gave the idea to Avila that we call each other "friend" as nicknames.
It was all well until one day one of our teachers gave us an assignment to present in class. I have forgotten what that assignment was but for some reason Avila and I somehow decided to talk about our friendship in front of the class. Within our presentation we started talking about how we gave each other nicknames and how we called each other "friend." I further explained that I got the idea from my two maids who called each other "love." After the explanation, my class were hollering about how Avila and I were " in- love" or how Avila and I were a couple. I do not remember their exact words but I certainly did feet teased by the time I sat back on my chair.
In the present, I could understand if someone said that it was only a joke and I that should have brushed it off. However, being me at 10 years old still growing and confused, I was traumatized. I took it personally and instantly turned black hearted. I stopped calling Avila for homeworks, and stopped talking to him in school. I avoided him from then on. Time passed and I denied any friendship I had with Avila. As time passed, Avila realized why I acted they way did and he tried to call me on it but I still denied it. I completely turned around and destroyed our friendship. It gets worse for soon I started teasing Avila, and called him names myself and (maybe called him gay etc.) angered him.
My thoughts. I later realized one day that I acted the way I did against Avila because I myself was insecure of the gay phenomena. At 10 years old I was familiar of the term because students would call other student names such as "bakh-la" meaning fag or gay. Also at this age, I realized now, was when my sexual characteristics were developing and I became familiar of the sexual connotations of the world. And the confused kid that I was I did not take being called gay lightly. I would always defend myself when someone called me gay because I did not see myself as being one.
Well, today, the way I saw my future was very much different from what was growing within me when I was 10 years old. As luck would have it my actions and thoughts were very much not consistent with the way I envisioned my future as a child. At 10 years old sexual tendencies and sexual appeal were not coinciding with the norm that I had expected from myself. And at the time I did not even realized the extent of my inner growth's inconsistency.
Society I've recently heard of a saying "The bully that had once beat up the gay kid ironically comes out later in life." Regretfully, I was that bully 11 years ago. I am willing and ready to admit that I was that bully who later in life turned out to be gay because I know it is essential for my growth in accepting myself. I certainly was not comfortable about my own sexuality then and had unfortunately taken it out on my friend. I later realized in life that the saying is true, or at least for me it was. Furthermore, I also personally concluded that people attack other people because the attacker, not realizing this, sees his or her own unlikable characteristic in the victim and attacks the victim instead of noticing his or her own unlikable characteristic within himself or herself. I know now that as a child, I did notice my attraction for the same sex and did not like it and did not want to accept it. I saw it too in Avila and in our friendship and attacked him and our friendship. I had certainly pushed my own shadow further into the darkness in an effort to not acknowledge my sexuality. Now, looking back I had always found the male to be more appealing from watching television to watching pornography for the first time. I had always known this but had placed it behind my subconsciousness and denied it for years. I would undoubtably watch pornography and realized that my eyes would wonder to a body-built male instead of a gracefully curved female. I knew of this impulse and still told myself that I was not gay over and over again. As I grew towards my teen age years I continued my mental fight. It was a painful struggle because my determination of telling myself that I was part of the norm did not align with my impulses and my actions. There was definitely a split between my conscious and my subconscious; my hero and my shadow; my expectations of myself and my own natural impulse. I did care about what the society thought of me. When I was 10 years old I immediately reprimanded a classmate if he called me gay, not realizing, it was certainly only because I in fact was one and I was insecure about it. I tried to deny it from society as long as I could.
Catholicism - The catholic church has been a source of pain and guidance for me. Unfortunately the catholic church has been painful so far because it tells me to feel guilty about doing many things that people enjoy in life. I feel that I have also obtained guidance from the catholic church because I feel that some people in the church has made me more rigorous about my decisions and strict about my conduct among other people. My feelings towards the catholic church also caused a split within me. It has told me to be more chaste and its rules has placed me where I am today, and for that I am thankful. However the church also restrains me from engaging in relationships and frustrates me head to toe. I am able to be obedient but I consequently also destroy myself emotionally and physically, trying to uphold such rules.
Acceptance - I've come to realize that acceptance is one of the resolutions for this great divide within me. I find comfort and resolution with embracing and accepting myself. I feel I am trying to meld the universe within me and I continuously try to do this by trying to understand myself as much as possible so that I can someday resolve this problem and move on in life. My road I feel is getting better. I met people in my life that have shed some light on my situation. This light has come from older men who have gone through the same situations as I have and from psychiatrists who have dealt with the same issues with other patients. I know I want to uphold my hero which is being the "norm" boy, but I do not know what to do with my shadow which is certainly my homosexual impulses. I now know that the solution has something to do with accepting my shadow. But, what do I do to accept my shadow, and to love my shadow? I know there is still something that has to be done, but I do not know what it is. I know this because I know I can still feel the split within me.
To this day I still feel guilty for acting the way I did against Avila. And, at times, I feel that I've been cursed ever since then. I think about how I may have lost myself the day I turned against a good person such as Avila, how I lost a good friend, and how I may had lost an opportunity to have lived a happier life.
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